October 25th, 2011


[612] Late night thoughts...

Well couldn't sleep and really don't know what else to do, but be the writer and write out what's bothering me...

October 20th was rather hard for me, and today was October 25. Two very important dates that have become a focal point which this last 11 months have revolved. The first (11/20) was the day my house burned and I officially had to leave my first "on my own" place. The second (11/25) was my 30th birthday. I don't remember it being special in it's own right - as it should have been - because I was still in shock and sorting out my "new normal" during what was supposed to be a happy time. I remember trying to be happy, but just being in such shock - I had lost my house, moved things into storage, and had my friends bury Aset.

So lately, more so than in the previous months, I have been kept up by thoughts of the fire. Not really the actual event itself, but rather the fact that it still stands, and wonder what's still in there. I keep thinking of things that could have been in the boxes that burned - all pieces of my life that I can't get back. Lost lots of stuffed animals, small trinkets, some desk supply things (yes as odd as it is to others, I think about my cow glass jar that held an eraser from my college)... the wall of SG-1 and Amanda Tapping signatures that were lost/damaged/in a box waiting for someday to be repaired.

I am not over the fear of smoke - but I am so much better. The first thunderstorm we had in Central Texas all I could think of was where the lightening was striking the ground. Now, from my logical "fire fighter" side, this is normal; we are in a severe drought, so a fire would be using precious water my not have. But the house fire survivor in me dreaded the fact that it could happen to me again. No matter how unlikely that may really be. I don't care to know the statistics... because no matter what people say, lightening does strike twice.

Tonight, I lay in bed, lights off, so tired, and all my brain was focusing on was "I wonder what we need that was left in the house" - but I tell myself I can't - I won't - go back into that house. No matter that vandals came and stole the AC units not even a week later. And the windows are smashed. And both doors to my side of the house is standing wide open.

I don't live in the same town anymore so I don't see the house on a regular basis, so maybe it's just the fact that in a few weeks it will be a year ago.... Usually I can tell my brain to stop, turn over to the other side and think of something else to drift to sleep on... Yes, my brain truly doesn't shut off! Not the first time this has driven me insane.

Just remembered I had some Excedrin PM - so took 2. Maybe I can knock myself out for the night - thank God I wasn't (haven't) been called in to sub tomorrow... I am thinking of working on my NaNoWriMo outline and find some more reference material!

See? I have better things to think of dumb brain!!